I left my then-spouse at 51. I had no expectations for any future relationships, I just needed to protect myself by getting out of that one.
(I'm skipping details as a) they are not germane to this post and b) there is no way I could provide enough detail to forestall the inevitable armchair relationship counselling; let's just say it was bad, and I was the last to really recognize it. At any rate....)
I'm 60. I've been with my current partner for over 7 years. She is the sweetest, kindest, most loving, most accepting person I've ever known. Lest one get the wrong idea, she is also strong willed, intelligent, and, when she needs to be, blunt AF. But she rarely needs to be, because when you are with someone like that, it is easy to talk about EVERYTHING.
She was - and continues to be - a complete surprise and breath of fresh air. I work in cybersecurity, when she worked her area was healthcare, and we met through theatre (she's backstaqe, I act, so it works really well). Our meeting and our connection were unplanned, unlooked for, and unexpected for us both (she had been single for a LONG time and was more than happy alone).
One never knows where or when these things might happen.
I know it might seem bleak or desperate, but at 35 you have a full life ahead of you, plenty of time to meet a better match.
Good luck! (And, FWIW, courage, patience, self-care, and hugs! - or a hearty backclap if you prefer....)
Sounds like an unhappy relationship. Perhaps look to successful relationships of people your parent's age, and try and work out what it is that makes them work, and what personal traits you can encourage within yourself to match them?
You haven't said what she feels. The partner being broken up with usually has an extremely tough time dealing with it.
It is something you need to work through with her. A relationship is mostly about how you both deal with the bad stuff. The good stuff doesn't cause problems. It is your joint responsibility to work through your problems together.
Lots of people recommend counseling/pschologists etcetera. However I personally think that most advisors are terrible, and that you put yourselves into a dangerously submissive position.
I felt depressed in my last relationship - and it was with a with a nurse with psych experience who told me I had clinical depression. After I split up the depression disappeared - my clinical depression was cured! I loved her but I felt trapped and I couldn't live with her.
> thinks it is already too late to find a new person
Likely a sunk-cost fallacy. It ain't easy.
> however lacking a set of larger goals.
That is a modern religion - and it is often about status. Status is a zero-sum game. Here be dragons.
Perhaps daily pleasures matter more? A hard one - I am nowhere near finding an answer for myself. I set some financial goals and personal goals, but achieving them doesn't seem to help me as much as I thought it would.
Sexual energy and desire ebbs and flows in a relationship over time, that should be expected, but values and how you want to live a life into the future usually do not and are foundational. If possible, I’d recommend a few sessions with a therapist to determine where you’re at emotionally, if the relationship is salvageable, and if you want to put the effort in to salvage it. Couples counseling might also help once you’ve figured out where you’re at.
(early 40s, married ~20 years, ama and I’ll do my best to provide value and actionable advice)
> Sexual energy and desire ebbs and flows in a relationship over time
While I agree with this, the fundamental attraction which ostensibly brought you two together should never really dissipate. If that core desire has left the building, that's the biggest issue here, and MUST be confronted head on. I suggest talking to the partner lovingly but with full honesty, and focus on solving the attraction problem first.
Things may be rekindled (better dates, roleplaying, and so on) or they may not. If not, you have to move on.
Strongly agree, but we (or at least me for sure) are not qualified to help OP determine why he doesn’t find his partner sexually attractive at the moment/anymore. It could be depression if he has it, but it also could be the desire for their partner has permanently evaporated, that’s why I recommended a practitioner who would have “boots on the ground” in this regard. Just erroring on the side of caution considering the stakes (who you partner with and/or who you have children with are the most important decisions one can make, when considering downstream outcomes).
Why not both? You could be both depressed and don't like your partner.
Though depression could just as well be a side effect of not liking your partner: that is not wrong: it's a normal reaction when you don't move on. Treat depression as a signal to "move on".
In general when a person asks a question like this they have already made their mind and are just looking for external validation: for someone to say "find someone else".
Find someone else.
You just have to "spam" a lot. That's perhaps the ugly truth that romatic movies don't tell you: you can't know what all is out there unless you experience many people.
You obviously don't like this relationship. Sex is more important than people think, and no amount of talking will fix you not being sexually attracted to your partner (assuming you are a guy).
I left my then-spouse at 51. I had no expectations for any future relationships, I just needed to protect myself by getting out of that one.
(I'm skipping details as a) they are not germane to this post and b) there is no way I could provide enough detail to forestall the inevitable armchair relationship counselling; let's just say it was bad, and I was the last to really recognize it. At any rate....)
I'm 60. I've been with my current partner for over 7 years. She is the sweetest, kindest, most loving, most accepting person I've ever known. Lest one get the wrong idea, she is also strong willed, intelligent, and, when she needs to be, blunt AF. But she rarely needs to be, because when you are with someone like that, it is easy to talk about EVERYTHING.
She was - and continues to be - a complete surprise and breath of fresh air. I work in cybersecurity, when she worked her area was healthcare, and we met through theatre (she's backstaqe, I act, so it works really well). Our meeting and our connection were unplanned, unlooked for, and unexpected for us both (she had been single for a LONG time and was more than happy alone).
One never knows where or when these things might happen.
I know it might seem bleak or desperate, but at 35 you have a full life ahead of you, plenty of time to meet a better match.
Good luck! (And, FWIW, courage, patience, self-care, and hugs! - or a hearty backclap if you prefer....)
Sounds like an unhappy relationship. Perhaps look to successful relationships of people your parent's age, and try and work out what it is that makes them work, and what personal traits you can encourage within yourself to match them?
You haven't said what she feels. The partner being broken up with usually has an extremely tough time dealing with it.
It is something you need to work through with her. A relationship is mostly about how you both deal with the bad stuff. The good stuff doesn't cause problems. It is your joint responsibility to work through your problems together.
Lots of people recommend counseling/pschologists etcetera. However I personally think that most advisors are terrible, and that you put yourselves into a dangerously submissive position.
I felt depressed in my last relationship - and it was with a with a nurse with psych experience who told me I had clinical depression. After I split up the depression disappeared - my clinical depression was cured! I loved her but I felt trapped and I couldn't live with her.
> thinks it is already too late to find a new person
Likely a sunk-cost fallacy. It ain't easy.
> however lacking a set of larger goals.
That is a modern religion - and it is often about status. Status is a zero-sum game. Here be dragons.
Perhaps daily pleasures matter more? A hard one - I am nowhere near finding an answer for myself. I set some financial goals and personal goals, but achieving them doesn't seem to help me as much as I thought it would.
Sexual energy and desire ebbs and flows in a relationship over time, that should be expected, but values and how you want to live a life into the future usually do not and are foundational. If possible, I’d recommend a few sessions with a therapist to determine where you’re at emotionally, if the relationship is salvageable, and if you want to put the effort in to salvage it. Couples counseling might also help once you’ve figured out where you’re at.
(early 40s, married ~20 years, ama and I’ll do my best to provide value and actionable advice)
> Sexual energy and desire ebbs and flows in a relationship over time
While I agree with this, the fundamental attraction which ostensibly brought you two together should never really dissipate. If that core desire has left the building, that's the biggest issue here, and MUST be confronted head on. I suggest talking to the partner lovingly but with full honesty, and focus on solving the attraction problem first.
Things may be rekindled (better dates, roleplaying, and so on) or they may not. If not, you have to move on.
Strongly agree, but we (or at least me for sure) are not qualified to help OP determine why he doesn’t find his partner sexually attractive at the moment/anymore. It could be depression if he has it, but it also could be the desire for their partner has permanently evaporated, that’s why I recommended a practitioner who would have “boots on the ground” in this regard. Just erroring on the side of caution considering the stakes (who you partner with and/or who you have children with are the most important decisions one can make, when considering downstream outcomes).
Talk to your partner about it?
Why not both? You could be both depressed and don't like your partner.
Though depression could just as well be a side effect of not liking your partner: that is not wrong: it's a normal reaction when you don't move on. Treat depression as a signal to "move on".
In general when a person asks a question like this they have already made their mind and are just looking for external validation: for someone to say "find someone else".
Find someone else.
You just have to "spam" a lot. That's perhaps the ugly truth that romatic movies don't tell you: you can't know what all is out there unless you experience many people.
You obviously don't like this relationship. Sex is more important than people think, and no amount of talking will fix you not being sexually attracted to your partner (assuming you are a guy).